Special Report - Bean In Your Faces

For avid followers of the blog you will know that yesterday (day 123) we went to see an exhibition by Mario Testino, a famous fashion photographer of the stars. It was a fantastic exhibition full of some amazing photographs that inspired me into dedicating a special report to it. I felt it deserved one as there are some very weird and wonderful pictures that, in my view, needed to be commented on. But, in addition to this some top quality photos that I think people will find very interesting (or at least the girls, gays and ex-yog types like Karl that I know will) 

So, what qualifies me to write such a blog? In short absolutely nothing. I know very little about high end fashion and all I know about photography is how to buy an expensive digital SLR, leave it on auto the whole time and hit and hope for the best shots. So these two things clearly make me qualified enough to give an opinion on one of the greatest collections of fashion and celebrity photographs ever put together. 

Walking around the dark room looking at the pictures a number of themes start to emerge in my head which I would like to explore. They include very strange men, hair and makeup, strange choices of clothing, nudity (of course!) and a section on genuinely great pics. 

So let's start this laymans account of the fashion world or what I like to call "Bean In Your Faces".

1) Very Strange Men

There were a fair few chaps in here that I think are a little confused in themselves. Now me and the lads have been known to don some very tight and bright neon gear in the past but we have always drawn the line at wearing high heels, at least on a stag do anyway (but I will never say never... we are looking for a new theme!)

Reminds me of a young me. 

Now you don't need to see this when you walk into the room. Just a guy standing there pointing his willy at you. Nat seems quite shocked that willys can actually grow to be this big. I assure her it is purely down to camera trickery (as are the abs, the chest, the hair etc etc)

Josh Harnet sporting a bit of lippy. 

Nat trying to take this no make up selfie campaign to the next level with a "no bum shave selfie". Come on ladies. A couple of days growth will do. ;-)

2) Hair and Make Up (or more accurately the crazy styles of the Gaga barnet) 

Obviously I cannot comment on fashion photography without touching on hair and make up. Although given the state of my hair for large portions of this trip I cant really talk but I'm going to anyway. Now considering people get paid thousands of pounds for a few hours work in this area, is it too much to ask that they not make the model look like they have just been dragged through a car wash and then descended upon by a bunch of playground kids with a new crayola set?

Kate Moss and Courtney Love have clearly got a bit cofused by their non make up selfie nominations. 

This must surely be the shot for when Ronseal hired Testino and Lady Gaga to shoot their new creosote advertising bill board? Gaga-sote. Does exactly what it says on the tin.

The next one reminds me of all the dumb and obvious things fashion people say to describe things. I have been unfortunate enough to be forced (YES FORCED) to sit through many an episode of America's Next Top Model where Tyra Banks and co spout platitudes and utter rubbish to decribe how well someone just walked down a cat walk, stood in front of a wall or pouted at a camera. "I love the way you stood in front of the wall, I didn't even notice there was a wall behind you". Or some other favourites such as  "You walked like you’re walking through hell in gasoline-soaked pajamas."  And my personal favorite "She looks like the batteries died in her vibrator."

Probably one of the best haircuts of all time from the Gucci campaign. Must be where Pete got his inspiration for his watch. I bet he has been begging Selena to do this for him for years to match his watch. Also reminds me of Nat's wedding beautician who wanted her "something blue" to be her to dye her nether regions. 

Definitely going full bush here complete with poodle head wear. A classic. 

3) Strange choices of clothing

Now obviously fashion is replete with ridiculous clothing and this was no exception. 

This girl must have clearly been in a rush this morning forgetting to put everything on but her belt. I like it. Hope it catches on at EY. Saves on the dry cleaning bill. 

Now if Carlsberg did pet dogs the Carmen Kass variety would definitely be my top choice. I'd be more than happy to take her to the park every morning and watch her cock her leg up a tree and sniff other super model dog's butts. 

Carmen Kass again but looking a tad different this time. She looks like she is going to a Gok Wan Elvis impersonator night down the local working men's club. 

Less strange, more admirable for this one. This is my kind of cat woman.  This also reminded me of the time when Nat, looking completely confused at the mention of a 'cat burglar' in a conversation asked "why do people want to break into people's houses to steal cats?"

The quintessential hour glass figure. Bravo. Nuff said. 

Lara Stone must have just done a sky dive as she still has her parachute on. 

Not the best attire to be walking your pack of dogs. Especially if you are in BA - you do not want anything dragging over the pavement behind you here. 

4) Nudity (of course!)

Now one of the best things, if not THE best thing about fashion is the casual nudity, skimpy clothing and how models are not afraid to show a cheeky nipple here or a bit of bush there. My most favourite date in the fashion calendar is the Victoria's Secret show (behind Henry Holland's shows of course!). What a treat it is to stumble across this on the TV, usually whilst on holiday. It is usually followed by me saying "Nat, clear my diary. We are staying in."  Anyway, I was hoping to see some Victoria Secret style shots in this exhibition and was not left disappointed. 

One of the classic shots of "the supers" (no not Batman, Superman etc but Stephanie Seymour, Christy Turlington, Linda Evangelista, Claudia Schiffer, Cindy Crawford and Naomi Campbell). Now you have to give it to Claudia Schiffer in this one for "turning the other cheek". Well done young lady. Well done indeed. 

Ok so she is not naked but Gisele has a damn fine set of pins. 

Kate Bush, I mean Kate Moss's bush. 

Demi Moore bearing all, although strangely I feel a bit weird looking at this picture as her bum and thighs are treading a very fine line between looking like a man's. 

Never have I wanted to be a shadow so much. Not sure about her hooves though but I can live with disabled feet given what is going on above them. Ladies and gentlemen, Ms Natalia Vodianova . 

And my personal favourite - Candice Swanepol. If only I was a teenage boy again. This poster would be straight on my bedroom wall. Maybe I can run it by Nat in the name of fashion?

5) Genuinely great pics. 

Finally, there are some genuinely great pictures here that I thought I would share too starting with Keith and Mick. Very sad seeing this as the terrible news about L'Wren Scott hit the news that day. 

Gisele and those legs again. 

Kate Moss and the Queens guards. 

Daria and some Llamas in Cusco. 

Donatella Versace. I think that guy is whispering "don't look now but I think that's Mariah Carey next to you and she is trying to steal your Blackberry". 

Cool shot of our friend from down the road. ;-) she usually jumps this high when she sees me in Pizza East, KT. 

Brad Pitt looking dapper as per usual and the famous Madonna Ray of Light album cover. 

Right that's it. I hope you enjoyed 'Bean In Your Face' and this insight into my thought process as I wandered around this exhibition. I just hope with these views I haven't ruined my chances and I am still in the running of becoming America's next top model. 

PS. Thank you to Nat for helping me with all the names and figuring out who the hell all these people are!