Now, I thought long and hard about what the right topic should be until one day I was sat on a Brazillian beach and it struck me right in the face. Well figuratively it did when a Brazillian 'mama' walked past with a rather large bottom swiftly followed by many more. Now this took me as a surprise and to the contrary of what you would normally believe about Brazil. So I did what any decent gentleman would do and decided to investigate this important topic further. There was going to be no bikini bottom or sarong left unturned in search for the truth about Brazillian beach babes.
(What's more, this investigation was the perfect cover for me to seek out and take pictures of Brazillian babes wearing what can only be described as dental floss with Nat being unable to reprimand me as it is purely in the pursuit of honest journalism).
So let me commence with my (better) special report that I like to call "booty corner". My aim is to deliver to my readers a comprehensive overview on a range of Brazillian booties so we can decide if the stereotype is a fitting one or not.
I will divide my report into four sections.
A) The Vision
B) The Reality
C) The Saving Grace
D) The Verdict
A) THE VISION
Firstly let's start with the vision. This is the vision that every man and woman has of Brazil, Rio, Copacabana and Ipanema. The one fuelled by the media and will no doubt be all over our screens during the World Cup in June.
First thing that springs to mind is usually Gisele or the goofy Ronaldo's girlfriend.
Or this.
In case you are still not understanding my vision let me reiterate.
Let's take a closer look at my vision.
Still not getting it? Well here is one more just to make sure as it is really important you share my vision so we are starting from the same platform.
The attire is simple. Get two pieces of string and fashion a swimming costume out of it. Caroline understands this fully.
B) THE REALITY
Now for the disheartening reality. At three beaches down it is not looking promising. Now I feel I must comment on the Brazillian woman's psyche here to help set the context. They have an admirable quality of not giving a shit about what their bodies look like when on a beach or anywhere for that matter. Less is definitely more here. There seems to be no self conscious gene in their bodies (they even remove their hair with immac on the beach too) and they go around with very little on. I have seen more pairs of skimpy jean shorts than a Levi's factory and seen jeans in places I never want to see them again. Places where no jean should ever be forced to go such as exhibit A.
This is the kind of greeting we get when walking onto a beach.
My Dad barely knows where to look.
At least five occasions we have seen very curvy Brazillian girls taking selfies of themselves in sexual positions. On one beach in Ilha Grande I thought I was on a playboy photo shoot - she was on all fours and all sorts. She even put her face in the sand to cover her face in sand to give her that "just washed up out the sea look" that I hear is so sexy nowadays.
I think you are going to need a bigger towel love.
The old Baywatch girls have really let themselves go.
This guy has clearly taken to just shrink wrapping his missus. He does love her though as he has her face tattooed on his upper arm. I can see why he didn't ask for her arse to be tattooed on it.
Shameless Christ the Redeemer posing. She would be far better off posing in the sea. Preferably with the water up to her neck.
I can never look at a shower in the same way again. I kept hearing David Attenborough's voice in my head saying "and they make their way to the watering hole to cool their giant bodies in the midday sun".
Of all the places on the beach to park this bootie it had to be in front of me. Still, she made a pretty handy dyke for when the tide started to come in.
I think the girl on the right is trying to convince herself she is looking in a mirror at the skinnier version of herself.
I would not want the job of rubbing more oil into this. I am sure there are some bikini bottoms in there somewhere. Reminded me of the cave we went in in Lencois.
So, as you can see, at the point of Copacabana, our fourth Brazillian beach of the trip, my vision was in tatters. Absolutely demolished. The whole trip ruined. Life just didn't seen to make sense anymore. I felt withdrawn, isolated from the world and began to sink into a deep depression. What happened to the Brazillian beach babes cruel unforgiving world??
And then we found them. All it took was a cab ride to the pearly gates of Post 9 on Ipanema beach.
C) THE SAVING GRACE
Now pay close attention everyone as they do exist. Thank The Lord for inventing the zoom.
What a voluptuous, beautiful and fantastic.... Wave.
I agree - sitting on that chair would be a waste of a good booty showing off opportunity.
Sand on the knees from sexual selfies no doubt.
Never been so happy to see someone drop a coconut. Yes... Yes...
A lovely little surprise unveiled in front of us.
It's true - girls to frolic around on the beach, laughing, joking, grabbing each other's breasts. OK well maybe not the last one.
Just gearing up for the pillow fight.
D) THE VERDICT
So there you have it. As we leave the shores of Brazil we can rest easy that the stereotype is sill very much alive and kicking. You just need to know where to look for it. Ipanema saved the day and I now fully appreciate why the song talks about the girl from Ipanema. It has been an enjoyable piece of research fraught with danger, excitement and abuse (from Nat) and I have perfected the very fine art of taking secret pictures.
I reserve the last picture for by far the hottest chic and bootie on beach though. My gorgeous wife!
Nice cans...
Right I am off to try and rebuild my marriage and reputation of not being a complete and utter pervert. At least if I fail in both I always have this blog post for comfort.
PS. No booties (or women's feelings) were harmed during the recording of this blog and I only used free range booties.
PPS. I must add that I am not really this harsh about women. It's purely for comedy value.
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