Special report - Nat on... What Really Grinds Her Gears

So, before embarking on our travels there was an inordinate amount of things I was obviously looking forward to, but with the reality of maintaining equilibrium I feared that there would also be quite a few things that would severely annoy me too.

As we are rapidly approaching a monumental milestone (for us) of 100 days, I thought this would be an opportune time to reflect back on some things that I thought would annoy me about travelling (which oddly haven't annoyed me in the slightest) and some things which really have annoyed me (which I had no idea would). Read on to learn more about the inner workings of my mind......

THINGS THAT I THOUGHT WOULD ANNOY ME (BUT HAVEN'T)

1. Living out of a suitcase for 5 months

Given I can't answer this fully until our last day, I can honestly say so far that this hasn't annoyed me in the slightest. I had my misgivings. A blonde but wise friend, Keeno, who had recently been travelling with her husband had urged me to heed the warnings. "On packing days" she said, "there were many times I thought we might divorce".  Great. The breakdown of the holy sacrament of marriage due to a few stray knickers and Hard Rock Cafe glasses, I could see it panning out all too clearly.

The 5 month wardrobe

However I had forgotten that I had two things in my arsenal I had neglected to consider that would help me greatly in my quest to live from the suitcase. 

A) Those who know me well will know that my chosen colour palette is rather.....limited. Basically, my whole wardrobe is varying shades of grey (there are loads, marl, putty, charcoal to name a few) and black, and every now and again I surprise you all with a touch of coral. Those who know me even better will know that when I like something, I tend to over-wear it to death. (E.g recent example from Spring 13, the almighty boyfriend jean. It's true, they come with holes already in them, but not sure you're still supposed to wear them when the holes start to expose your cha cha). So, keeping these things in mind, I have only brought things in those colours and I have a few favourites which I have completely overworn but find it makes deciding what to wear each day an absolute breeze. 

Mind your eyes, people, what a burst of colour.

B) I had forgotten how competitive me and Bean are. Packing has become like an Olympic sport. We even set ourselves ridiculous time targets (most aggressive of which has been 10 mins in Quito). With this element of competition and drama (who can get more in? Whose will be easiest to close?) we have found packing super easy. Yes I am smug. (Keeno, don't worry, we HAVE argued about something else very silly, see further below)

Let the packing commence!

2. Being bored on long bus journeys

I think this must have been on Aaron's list of things that would annoy him too, a bored Nat truly is a thorn in your side. That said, I have really embraced the art of simply taking in the scenery and keeping pretty much quiet. On a particularly nasty bus journey (for avid followers of the blog - i.e. our parents - this was day 62 from Puno to Arequipa in Peru - very dodgy bus) I actually spent 10 hours just gazing out of a window and observing. No book. No iPad, just me and my thoughts. The only side effect is that my thoughts go a bit weird. I start to think that I am beginning to understand Spanish at a higher level. I read signs and convince myself that what I think they mean is correct. For quite a while in Peru I kept on seeing signs for 'Ferreterias', and in my head concluded that ferret keeping was just a popular thing in Peru and when one embarks on a holiday on which they are my unable to take their ferret with them, they simply sign it in at the Ferreteria and collect it on their return. 

Special offer on Ferret housing during half term!!

Imagine my sheer disappointment when I found out it meant 'hardware store'. Dreams of rodent based holiday homes shattered in one session of Google Translate.

An actual Ferreteria - gutted.

3. Not being able to speak Spanish or Portuguese

This has actually provided me with numerous opportunities to laugh at Aaron which has made the difficulty in understanding anything, much easier to swallow. Like the time he enthusiastically wished someone "Buenos Aires" (city in Argentina) instead of "Buenos Dias" (good day). Like when his inability to pronounce the word for two in Portuguese "dois" (pronounced doys) ended up with a waiter completely pissing himself and called him a 'doiche bag'. Like when he thought he was being clever using his Spanish dictionary on his phone, but in fact the word he believed meant 'delicious' actually means 'hug'. You have no idea how many South American waiters have been asked for a hug by Aaron. 

Aaron's usual communication with waiting staff.

Like when we found out that the way to say 'I don't speak Portuguese' actually sounds like 'I nah follow Portuguese' which was a good way to remember it for us. Except Aaron kept forgetting and just thinking the way to say it was to just say 'I no speakee Portuguese' in a truly appalling Portuguese accent.

THINGS THAT I DIDN'T THINK WOULD ANNOY ME (BUT REALLY HAVE)

1. Aaron's walking pace

Yes, Keeno. This is the one. The ONE subject capable of bringing divorce to an otherwise happy couple. It has been the ONLY thing that has consistently made us annoyed with each other. 

Quite simply, Aaron has one walking pace, the London walking pace. The one you use on Oxford Street as you dodge tourists. The one you use when it's 12.45am on Friday night and you know it's hit and miss whether you get the last tube. The one you use when you know you should have got up 10 mins earlier as you are still on your way into the office and your important meeting is about to start. Now imagine that same pace whilst wandering though a gorgeous market. Imagine it in extreme heat going uphill through the jungle. Imagine it, complete with full set of heavy luggage trying to find a taxi rank, check in desk, hotel etc. 

Whenever I dare to ask him to reduce the speed slightly I am met with a "it's just my normal walking pace, walk faster." I would be breaking into a jog to try and keep up with him. I have resigned myself to the fact that we will never really walk together unless Aaron is feeling unwell so I just walk behind him. The MOST infuriating thing about this situation is that once he is in front of me, he never gains any more ground on me, his is just a few steps ahead of me at all times. It's like Chinese water torture on legs.

The Nat's eye view of Aaron. 

I once questioned him on this and he said that if he dropped back it would encourage me to be even slower. Oh, I see, I have a f@cking PACEMAKER with me!!! I mention this everyday so you can imagine this must be starting to grind Aaron's gears too, but no, he still keeps to the pace, meaning he would rather listen to my nagging than actually walk a bit slower. I am quietly smug that once the parents come to visit us, they are even slower than me (sorry guys, but it's true) so Aaron is going to get everywhere in good time, but be extremely lonely....mwahh ha ah ah haaaaaa!!!!!! Evil laugh.

2. Dishonest tour operators

I don't think I have ever been so angry with someone as when I boarded the bus to Arequipa. I had been sold a dream of a comfy bus. I had illusions of lay-flat seats, perhaps a nice film to go with our 10 hour trip, air-con to help us to breathe in the stifling greenhouse that buses become the minute the sun comes out. I know these buses exist, we actually had one in Singapore, but Dorothy wasn't in Kansas anymore, this was Peru and man, were we about to find out what their buses were like.

Now any of you who have been to Reading festival with me will know that when it comes down to it, I am no princess. I have nonchalantly used toilets in those fields that have nearly brought grown men to tears. I am no stranger to not having a proper wash for four days (grim, I know). But honestly, this bus was fetid. On trying to fish around for any signs of a seat belt, Aaron and I uncovered several decades worth of rotten food, which decided to erupt in a cloud of dust and crumbs like a landfill volcano. It made me wretch. Aaron's seat was so filthy he actually made a seat cover out of tissues which he sat on for the whole journey. EVERY crevice, no matter how small, was filled with chewing gum or tissues.

Ok, so this isn't the actual bus. But it wasn't far off.

Coupled with the sheer lack of hygiene was a distinct lack of consideration for safety. There was a huge crack in the middle of the windscreen which had shattered pretty much the rest of the glass, shards of which looked like they might pay us a visit sometime during the trip. The driver also had a tendency to overtake cars whilst having no visibility on bends whilst driving on cliff edged roads.

The beautiful windscreen.

THE most annoying thing about this was that we were sold the trip in two legs, from Copacabana to Puno (two hours) then ten hours from Puno to Arequipa. We were picked up from right outside the tour operator's office and the first bus was PIMP. We landed on our feet, "Thank god the bus is great" we thought to ourselves. Little did we know what the next one would be like. It annoys me that they lull you into a false sense of security, then when you are far enough away to not be able to complain, BOOM! There's your stinky, mangey bus you'll spend the rest of the day on.

Now at this point I must mention that not all buses in Peru are like this. In fact our friends Amy and Graham had a lovely journey on Cruz del Sur buses in Peru and we went on to have several pleasant trips. We since found out that there were many warnings on Trip Advisor to avoid our chosen company. Epic travel research fail for the Beans. 

You'll be amused to know we've also been 'had' by an operator in Thailand who sold us a sightseeing trip where you don't see any sights, an operator in Copacabana who sold us a "really professional English speaking guide" whose first words to us were, "I don't speak English. My English bad" and an operator who sold us a really cool cycle tour in Bogota to find out all about street art which contained no actual information or sightings of said street art. Consider my gears truly ground.

Well there we have it guys, hope that this has been even just a smidgin of interest to you all. I have enjoyed offloading this onto my unsuspecting readers. It's been an extremely cathartic experience.

Still no witty sign off I'm afraid so I'll steal from the mighty Springer. Take care of yourselves.......and each other. Goodbye. NB x