Today I report on the important topic of traveller types. Through extensive and detailed qualitative and quantitative analysis* I have concluded that they fall into six broad categories.
1. THE CHAV-ELLER
WHERE TO SPOT THEM
Can be found loitering around traditional party towns, such as Vang Vieng, Pub Street in Cambodia and Kuta in Bali.
WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE
Beer Lao vest, tatts, sunburnt tan, an armful of braided bracelets, neon sunglasses.
WHAT THEY DO
Their favourite activities include boozing, hitting on birds (both other traveller types and locals, one of their key weapons in their mission to shag is that they are completely un-fussy), and pretending that they love the local food when secretly they can't wait for a KFC on the walk home after all bird catching opportunities have all dried up.
WHY THEY ARE TRAVELLING
They believe that their hometowns are really bad and believe the country they come from has done nothing for them. They now live in an endless cycle of working for a few months, then embarking on another trip full of sun, sand, shagging and fried chicken.
MOST LIKELY TO SAY
Bruv, she is gonna get it!
LEAST LIKELY TO SAY
I'd really like to live with that hill tribe for a few months.
2. THE SURVIVALIST
WHERE TO SPOT THEM:
Outside. In fact, they are never in. They don't even sleep inside, preferring a jungle canopy fashioned from palm leaves. You will NEVER find them on the tourist trail, they make their own trails.
WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE
Bushy beards, unkempt hair, rucksack, compass, 100 year old hiking boots, leaches on legs and look of unrivalled determination to survive.
WHAT THEY DO
Live on nothing but locusts and rain water for 2 weeks. Anything that will put then in danger. They will shun modern modes of transport in favour of a mammoth hike.
WHY THEY ARE TRAVELLING
To survive. Duh.
MOST LIKELY TO SAY
Pass me my knife, our dinner's just walked past.
LEAST LIKELY TO SAY
I'll have the deluxe suite with beachfront balcony.
3. THE 'FOUND THEMSELVES'
WHERE TO SPOT THEM
Under a heap of backpacks
WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE
I think there must be a global travelling centre that issues the following uniform as it's so standard it's untrue. Elephant print dropped crotch trousers, vest top (a little bit ripped), flip flops that could have once belonged to Jesus, all kinds of ethnic jewellery, piercings, one shaved patch of hair, remaining hair either matted or fashioned into dreadlocks, tattoos of words they think mean 'peace' and 'harmony' but probably just mean Tuesday. Interestingly this is a completely unisex look, but substitute elephant trousers to skirt or sarong for the men. Yes, before you ask, I have got that the right way round.
WHAT THEY DO
Look grumpy, travel a lot, meditate (makes them look much grumpier) and do a lot of drugs.
WHY THEY ARE TRAVELLING
Please refer to category title.
MOST LIKELY TO SAY
That sunset is far out, man.
LEAST LIKELY TO SAY
I'd really like to go on that one-day organised excursion with other tourists, please can you sign me up?
4. THE GAP YARS
WHERE TO SPOT THEM
In a hostel trying to silently convince themselves that where they are about to sleep can't be that different from the dorms at Eaton.
WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE
Sloaney-pony meets humid tropics. Hair, bigger and with messier ponytail.
WHAT THEY DO
Love being poor for a few months, what sport!!!! Some may 'find themselves' and therefore move up to category 4. Often they volunteer to help save peoples lives.
WHY THEY ARE TRAVELLING
To see the world and justify the loan from mummy and daddy.
MOST LIKELY TO SAY
Daddykins, South America's more expensive than I'd budgeted for, I might have it cut my amazing, educational, once in a lifetime trip short unless someone might be able to help out?
LEAST LIKELY TO SAY
This accommodation is far too basic for me.
5. THE LONE RANGERS
WHERE TO SPOT THEM
At all major sights and modes of transport.
WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE
No clear uniform as such, ironically always have a copy of lonely planet in their hands at ALL times even though they clearly know every chapter by heart as that's all they read in restaurants.
WHAT THEY DO
This is where this category further divides into two sub categories. Lone Ranger introvert quite happily goes on excursions, explores, and generally has a mighty fine time travelling and might engage with you in casual conversation here and there. Lone Ranger extrovert has usually been travelling a lot longer than introvert and has therefore developed a knack of intrinsically involving themselves in any given situation, welcome or unwelcome. They have done better things than you, seen more than you, enjoyed things more than you, hated the crap places more than you and have got more than you have got from the travelling experience and man are they ready to tell you about it on a four hour bus journey where there is no escape (true story).
WHY THEY ARE TRAVELLING
To find love.
MOST LIKELY TO SAY
Table for one please. I just love my own company.
LEAST LIKELY TO SAY
I really don't like traveling alone, I just what to be with a big group of friends.
6. THE PHONEYS
WHERE TO SPOT THEM
They are everywhere.
WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE
They carry wheelie cases instead of backpacks, this makes them really easy to locate.
WHAT THEY DO
Start off with the idea that they will slum it around some far flung places and see the world, then gradually decide that they still enjoy their little comforts so perhaps they won't slum it as much as they thought they might initially. Spend lots of time on FaceTime to their parents.
WHY THEY ARE TRAVELLING
They want to see some cool places and take some time off before they have to become responsible adults.
MOST LIKELY TO SAY
What's the wifi code?
LEAST LIKELY TO SAY
$4 a night with mattress or $3 a night sleeping on the wooden floor? We'll take the floor option please, we want to do this properly.
So readers, that's it for another special report, hopefully you found this insightful and can go about your day now.
For now, until next time (yeah yeah, still need to work on an original sign off)
Nat
* no travellers were harmed in the creation of this report although some may be slightly offended.
Loved your special report Nat at .....work this morning....LOL.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to the next one.
Just arrived home and the Y'ster has thrust his iPad at me immediately, with a broad grin on his face....Spratty it completely washed away my workday cares......FABULOUS!! Gave us the best laugh, and we await your next special report with bated breath!!!! Love you two phoneys immeasurably, tittering Eric xxxxxxxxxxxxxPS...the report lifted the tedium of a particularly heavy conference call this am for your father.....he loved it so much! Xxxx
ReplyDeleteThe most important service is the processing of visa which is basically given by an appropriate section of the embassy of these https://www.greenvisa.io/ services. In order to prevent delay, a person needs to follow all the demands of the embassy, or otherwise it can lead to a refusal of the application.
ReplyDelete