Special Report - Nat on....customer service in America

Now many of you may have already heard my opinions (rant may actually be a more accurate description) on the service culture in the States, but in the spirit of Special Reports, I thought it only right to formalise my musings.

As you all know the Americans pride themselves in offering the highest standards of customer service. Cheery, chirpy, sugary sweet, happy, in your face get you anything you need no matter how difficult, good customer service. However, ladies and gentlemen, there's something not right here. What I have found is that all this promise is merely an illusion, America has mastered the use of clever mind trickery (akin to that of the Jedi) to fool us into thinking they are offering us this holy grail of service. 

Mess with their minds, we must.

Please allow me to explain using my top key phrases which I am sure many of you who have travelled to the States will recognise:

1. "HI THERE, HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY"

Firstly I have not capitalised my letters in order to emphasise that this is a title, it's to show how loudly this will be barked at you when you enter a shop or restaurant. Actually please also note the lack of question mark too, in fact, this isn't a question at all. There's some service trickery going on here...

So they care about how you are, 'what wrong with that', I hear you ask? Well let's put it this way, if you dare to test them and reply 'well, I'm afraid not so good, I've got chronic diarrhoea and my piles are just making the whole situation worse.' They will give you the same smile, complete with dead-behind-the-eyes vacant look and express their glee at your reply "that's great!" Sorry guys, they don't really care how you are. You have not made a new friend. Do not add them to your Facebook. This automatic remark is merely the equivalent of that annoying beep that we have in corner shops in the UK to alert a shopkeeper that a twelve year old school kid has just entered his shop and is likely to steal a few penny sweets if you don't keep an eye on him. 

I'm so glad you are having a shit day.

2. "WHO SERVED YOU TODAY?"

This is how the conversation plays out in my head:
I'm sorry, pardon me? Who served me today? Ummm, myself?! I picked up a t-shirt and took it here to pay for it. Oh you mean the creepy man who followed me around the shop for five minutes? I thought he was a vagrant. Oh you need to take his name? Well, I didn't engage him in conversation, but if you need to enter it on the cash register, let's say for argument's sake, his name is Bill. He looks a bit like a Bill. 

I was right!!

For the record, if you ever needed Bill's help to actually get you something you can't reach, he will mysteriously vanish into thin air, like some retail based spontaneous combustion. He won't be seen again and no one will know of his whereabouts. 

Anyone seen Bill? He's been gone ages.

3. "I'LL BE RIGHT BACK"

Will you? Really, WILL you? Or have you just said this as you think the mere act of you saying this, means that, in your weird world, you have bought yourself another 20 minutes to NOT come right back? If anyone in a restaurant says this to you in America, remember it's another shrewd mind trick. They're not coming back anytime soon so you can settle the bill. 

It's so good he's coming right back. I'm in a real hurry. 

It's actually similar to that they use in horror films when the hapless blonde doesn't realise the murderer is upstairs. 

I'll be right back. There's no way they'd kill me off in the first scene. I'm the only famous one goddamit.

4. "HOW ARE YOU FINDING THE FOOD?"

"Well I haven't actually eaten any of it yet as I've only just unrolled my cutlery from my napkin, but if you'd like me to judge it similar to how one would judge a glass of wine at a tasting, then the aroma is lovely." "THAT'S SURE IS GREAT, MAM, GLAD YOU LIKE IT." She has performed the I-don't-actually-care-for-your-reply mind trick on me again. Damn her.

Smells like it will taste great, thanks.

5. "YOU STILL WORKING ON THAT?"

Another classic. This is what they ask you if there's still food left on your plate. It's not so much the BAD service aspect of this question I cannot stand, it's the weirdness of the phrasing. What's wrong with a simple 'have you finished'? It worries me greatly that portions in the states are becoming so gargantuan that feeding oneself is now tantamount to 'work'. It's the kind of phrase I expect to hear from a mother, worried that her poor 11 year old has been given too much homework and would like to see them out in the fresh air, enjoying life. Or perhaps an angry boss who is sick of their subordinate consistently turning in key reports late...... Not. From. A. Waitress.

Just a light snack for me please 

6. "PLEASE CAN I SEE YOUR ID MAM?"

I have the odd long nostril hair (as Aaron kindly points out) and wrinkles round my eyes. God help me if I'm 20 years old. This will be asked of you no matter what your age and god forbid you forget to take your passport out with you, no booze for you.

I left it in my room for God's sake.

 Real situation that I found myself in at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas follows... 

Aaron went to the reception to check out so I waited by the door with all the luggage. Out of nowhere, like a chirpy, heat seeking missile, "PLEASE CAN I SEE YOUR ID MAM?" I felt puzzled. "Ummm, what for?" She matter of factly replied, "FOR GAMBLING, MAM" "But I'm not gambling." "YOU'RE STANDING IN THE GAMING AREA." She said pointing to the carpet. "So what you're telling me is that I am being asked for ID for standing up? (I think me saying that out loud actually left her stunned too at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation but she hid it well.) "YES, IN THE GAMING AREA MAM." "Can I just stand here instead?"(Pointing to half a metre to my left onto the wooden part of the floor) "YES" "Very well then."

All fine now. 

7. "HAVE A GOOD DAY"

See point 1and 4. They don't care if you do or don't.

8.  SMALL TALK 
In addition to these phrases, I have also had such small talk gems as these:

(On arrival at a hotel) "ARE YOU HAPPY YOU GOT HERE SAFELY?" Errrrr.... Why? Was I in some sort of danger I wasn't aware of? Of course I am happy I got here safely. I know I've done a skydive, but I don't live in the hope that danger may be thrown at me at any given point in normal daily life. Are some people disappointed when they arrive at your hotel with all their limbs intact?

I was glad I arrived safely and no stray tree branches fell on my head during the journey.

(On arrival at same hotel, she's clearly still struggling with small talk again, she knows we've only come from Mexico and it's a one hour time difference) "HOW DID YOU FIND THE TIME DIFFERENCE?" Quite easy actually. It's just like the change to daylight saving time. It happened without incident.

How is ANYONE supposed to function properly after a one hour time difference? I CAN'T COPE.

(At Gordon Ramsey's London themed restaurant in Vegas)
Aaron (pointing to picture of Buckingham Palace at a shameless attempt at dad humour) "can't believe you have got a picture of my house on the wall"
Waitress: "I don't even know what it is"
Aaron "It's Buckingham Palace where the Queen lives"
Waitress: "Is that like your equivalent of the White House?"
Aaron: No, that would be Downing Street. This is where the Queen lives"
Waitress: "But the Queen is the same as Obama right?"
Aaron: "No.  Obama's equivalent in England is the Prime Minister, David Cameron"
Waitress looking very confused: "Do we have a Queen?"

99% of Americans think Britney Spears is their Queen. Fact.

Despite all of this, I must say, I actually love the States. They may have their ridiculous idiosyncrasies, but it's a pretty amazing place. On the service point, I can't help but feel if big corporations actually paid their staff fairly, they wouldn't resort to this ill advised anti-service and could actually relax a bit and be more human and less robotic. They have to make up their wages with tips (shockingly, often to just meet minimum wage), which has lead to the creation of customer service monsters.

I must also add to this, that I expected to add a paragraph on the scary passport control on entry to the states, but on this most recent occasion, it was like they removed anyone remotely scary and replaced them with THE most unashamedly friendly and downright splendid members of staff EVER. It was like the Twilight Zone. I wanted to take them in the taxi with us. 

So America, I do hope that we are still friends after this report as I think, despite your weird efforts at customer service, you're awesome. 

And thus I conclude my Special Reports for the trip. I do hope that you have enjoyed our time together over the last few months. God help those of you who will have to endure real time, face to face versions of these reports when I'm back ranting and musing about normal daily life In London very soon. You poor sods.

NB 

Ps. Incidentally, whilst stealing pictures for this from google image, I came across the following article from someone at the Sydney Morning Herald who clearly LOVES the service culture in America. What do I know??!!

http://m.smh.com.au/travel/blogs/the-backpacker/what-australian-tourism-could-learn-from-the-us-20120523-1z3nr.html